Well I just spent the last few days in Sarnia, I love Sarnia. I come back to Toronto and things haven’t changed a bit. It’s still just a big, busy and non-personal city where everyone is rushed out of their minds to get a thousand things done. I don’t feel like I could ever live here for good, I don’t feel like I could ever work here for good, I feel no attachment to this city whatsoever. I love Sarnia.
I’ve been learning lots lately. Mostly about the will of God and learning to trust what happens over what I want to happen. I get into my mind what I want to happen (whether it be with girls, church or my friends) and I plan out all the possible scenarios (all of course where I come out on top in the end) and then I settle at that, that if God is really on my side, then one of these scenarios will happen. Without fail God throws situations and failed expectations at me, and then I am forced with the reality that my scenarios didn’t work. It’s funny how God works that way with me. It’s a repeat lesson in my life; I learn it almost every month. When will I accept it? I don’t know. I feel like I’m getting better at it, I feel like I’m accepting the present as it is and not trying to make it something that it isn’t. But it’s hard. I never know where to draw the line, I never know if there should even be a line. I don’t know what to do. You hear cliché after cliché, and you never know how it applies to you. It’s easy to accept them and shrug of my true emotions, but I still feel like crap after. As things start to happen in my life, I am forced to look for God in it all. Whether he caused it or not, I know he is working in it. So here I sit, in Toronto, skipping the last half of my Greek class because I couldn’t stay awake, and trying to figure out what the next step is.
Most of these feelings come from the idea of the future. Future career, future wife, future relationships, future money. It’s all so blurry to me. It’s almost my attempt to try and clear up the mess and bring some stability into it all. My rational and common sense doesn’t work; my past experiences don’t really help me here. Everything is just a blur and I’m forced to live in it.
Maybe that’s where God wants me, in a blur. Maybe I’m supposed to have nothing in my future figured out, but it makes me so…so…so…mundane. So maybe that’s my lesson, maybe I’m supposed to live in a blur, not sure of anything but God and Christ. I’ll tell you one thing for certain; it certainly makes me learn to depend on Him. When everything else is unstable, including your own dreams, what else is left but to depend on Christ?