Tonight is the first night that I wanted to write in my blog and I have nothing to write about. I started writing about something and then I erased it, hoping that it will be more suitable for another occasion. So I sit here pondering, trying to come up with some amazing thought to challenge the three people that read this and to challenge myself. I like to come up with original thoughts because copying people is boring a lot of the times. The problem is, I’m not that creative. I’m not that original. Of course, according to Solomon in Ecclesiastes nothing is original; nothing is new under the sun. So that at least brings me some consolation. Sometimes I just get frustrated though. I think having a friend like Darryl is good for me because he is so many things that I’m not. He is an extremely creative guy, he sees with different eyes than I do. If we read a chapter of the bible, he will see things completely different then I do.
I think I definitely focus on what I don’t have. I should be happy that when Darryl and I get together we can dream up the craziest things. Instead, I focus on the fact that I can’t do it by myself. It’s like I want the credit for it all, all the time. I don’t want to share it with him. Sometimes I question how selfish I am. It gets pretty ridiculous. I’m sure I’m not alone, but really I can only judge myself. So what do I do? I guess I got to learn that I can’t do everything and I need to start to learn to depend on other people more. This is especially true if I ever want to work at a church. I need to trust the body of Christ to do their part so I can do mine the best of my ability instead of spreading myself sparingly to a bunch of things that won’t be any good at all.
Really, that’s not where I wanted to go at all. I guess it was all part of me explaining that I like to write original stuff. It got me thinking though. It is that “relentless pursuit to be a writer that isn’t influenced by anything or anyone and just come up with great stuff off the top of my head to amaze people” kind of writer that I want to be. I want to write about things that when people read it they are like wow, that is so smart, I need to start applying that. I want people to recognize that I’m smart. When I read C.S. Lewis I put the book down every few paragraphs or so and am in awe at how smart he is. I once said in a sermon “C.S. Lewis is the smartest man alive” (he’s dead if you didn’t know) and I could hear my mom snicker at the back of the gym and holler out to me the fact that he was dead. I knew that, I just didn’t remember. The same way that I admire those writers and thinkers, I want to be admired. Not so much because I want to be known and I want the world to know of me. It’s more for myself, I want to know that all my reading and all my study and my thirst for knowledge is paying off.
When I was home earlier this year I went out for breakfast with Josh Murray and we were talking about church. We were talking about how the youth and young adults always want to have their voice heard and argue things, I can only include myself in that category. Then he started talking about the motive behind wanting to be heard. This is when I started seeing his mouth move but I was trying to ignore the words. God wouldn’t let me. He talked about how he thinks that most of the people that were getting angry at the pastor or what was being said from the pulpit was more than just trying to find truth. He sensed that most just wanted their voices heard, not the truth. For instance; imagine you are sitting in your pew and the pastor starts going off about something you completely disagree about. What is your first reaction? I know what mine is. It’s to talk to everyone around me and point out that he is wrong. It’s to make sure that everyone knows that I think he is wrong. It’s to make sure that everyone knows that little ol’ Nathan opposes the big ol’ pastor up front. It’s happened numerous times, even when I wasn’t at church but I just heard about what was said.
So I get angry. I make it seem as if it is a righteous anger. Really though, as true as that may be, that’s just my amazing ability to justify my actions coming through. I find I’m really good at that when I need to be. So I hear I was at Village Gardens on East street at 9:30 in the morning and Josh’s words hit me like a Jennifer Lopez in her movie enough, taking out her husband. It hurt. I realized that I was more concerned with my idea of the truth than the truth itself. I just wanted the guy at the pulpit and everyone else to know that he was wrong and I was right. More or less, that I was right. I find we as Christians, especially us in the younger generation do that a lot.
We want to be heard so bad, that we are willing to distort the truth a little bit because we think it will be a better story. I have a few friends that do this in every single story they tell; just changing the truth a little for a bigger effect. I do it to, all the time. So I need to be challenged, to speak the truth, not what I think sounds better. We all do. Next time you go to argue something or to confront someone, check your motives. Are you more concerned with your idea of the truth or the truth itself?