One of the things that I love about having a website and a blog is the fact that it allows me to be transparent. I can be real on here and express how I’m actually feeling about situations, life or ideals where in person in many cases I feel restricted because I don’t want to start ‘something.’ However, I guess I even feel restricted even on here because I know that people that I respect read this often and I never want to give them impression that my faith is weakening, or that I disagree with them. So while at times it allows me to be free, still my own insecurities with my shortcomings (the ones we all have) still restrict me from being completely open.
With all that being said today has been a day of failures and many lessons. I don’t mean to be so transparent on this blog for your pity, I could care less. I more want to share how God humbles me and brings me to a better understanding of who I am and who he is and how we are supposed to work together.
So today began with my father sending me an e-mail telling me he drove all the way to London to get my passport stuff finally finished, but to no avail because he needed my birth certificate. I though it would be as easy as mailing it to him tomorrow, however I can’t find it. I lost my birth certificate. So I begun the application process to get a brand new one and I have to pay extra money to speed up the process. I need a guarantor to sign for me and I need proof that I need it in a rush. The reason I need my passport is because I’m supposed to go on a cruise in Jan. So far, I’m not going, because I don’t exist because I don’t have a piece of paper that says so.
For those of you that know me you know most of my life, job, relationships all involve the computer. I run two magazine, I’m designing three different websites, I talk to most of my closest friends all over the country, I write, I have homework, I design posters and do all kinds of other stuff on my computer. Well today, it crashed. I lost my 300 contacts, calendar with all my due dates on it, my list of books I’ve read and want to read, my quotes that I have been saving for two years, my ideas that I have been saving for two years, all my e-mail and website settings, all my password profiles and many more things that are important. It’s all gone. So I make it start running again, without all my files, and at about 2am, it all crashes again just to rub it in. It’s ok though, cause I already lost all my files a few hours back, but my as well just tease me a bit.
To top it all off I had to go pee. I usually just pee with the door open, but there was a girl over so I at least attempted to close the door a bit. I emptied myself and turned around only to find my face making out with the door. I walked away with a nice one inch gash, fairly deep with a bloody face. By the time my computer crashed for the second time in one day, I could do nothing but laugh.
So I had a bad day.
While this sucks. I’m starting to realize a lot of things through it. For instance, my father and I live on two different priority systems. While he seems to put what’s important first, I slack off and just do whatever is right in front of me. So here I am two month before my cruise and I don’t exist to any other country and I can’t prove that either. Maybe I need to learn to be a little more responsible. It’s 5:11 a.m. right now. I thought that I would stay awake for as long as possible (maybe till Jon wakes up in half an hour) to extend this day to get the most out of it.
I was just about to grab a book. I looked at my book and I grabbed one that I wanted to finish reading. I realized as I was grabbing it how dumb I am. I was grabbing a book not because it interested me, not because I had to read it, not even because it might be helpful in the future. I was grabbing it to finish reading just so I could add it to my ‘read list’ and get it out of the way. I never would have realized how prideful I was being unless I would have lost that list all together.
Why do I find such pride in how many, or which books I’ve read? What a horrible, shallow ideal to place any kind of self worth in. Maybe my list of three hundred or so ideas being deleted was God telling me that my ideas and hording them to myself isn’t very loving and Christ-like either. One of the main reasons I loved the calendar on my computer (boy will this sound selfish) was because I loved the idea of a full calendar. I loved when people looked at my ‘task list’ or my weekly schedule it was chalked full of items. Part of me is glad that calendar is gone. Part of me is glad the book list is gone. Part of me is glad my idea list is gone. I guess I’m going to have to go back to phase one, depending on God for ideas (and not my list).
So today will probably go down into one of my worst days in life. Sure its nothing to compare to what other people go through, and I’m not comparing at all, that would be naïve. However, in my shoes, right now, today sucked. I’ve already been humbled so much, and it hurts to look back (even to three hours ago) and realize where my heart was. It’s weird how a calendar can be such a sense of accomplishment for me, or finished book read list, or a list of ideas I’ve had (that very well could have been from God) could all of sudden replace him.
God bring me back to absolutely nothing but the cross.