I was talking to my friend Allie Pilate tonight and we were talking about the good ol’ days back at Crave (old youth group). She was a newer Christian at the time, so she saw things a lot differently (a lot more clearer) than I did. She was tainted by 15 years of the church like I was; she was as raw as they came. In the middle of the conversation, she posed this question.
and whats better… knowing the truth and building a relationship with God through that or now knowing the truth and thinking that you are right all the time
Here is my struggle. It is easier to be ignorant of everything I know, and continue to just follow ‘by faith’ in everything that I’ve been raised to believe. I can just assume that the Bible is the Word of God and use it like I’ve been taught. I can assume that Sunday services are the climax of what church is. I can assume that the Trinity is the best way to describe God. I can assume that I have to tithe 10%. I can assume that Jesus was God and was man. I can assume all these things. I can assume all those difficult questions that no answer seems to be up front. Then I can just be happy and content knowing that all is in perfect order and study the ‘meat’ of the gospel. Frankly, I can just assume that everything I believe right now is right and is in no need of change and just study for the sake of being able to prove that I’m right.
Or, I can ask myself why I believe any of it. I can get to the root of what I believe and explain it to myself. I can ask questions. I can ask hard questions. I can search for answers in everything that is around me. I can seek truth with everything I have. I can study not to prove that I’m right but to find out what right even is.
This puts me in a difficult place, because I want the latter option. I want to be real with my questions and my doubts and seek honestly. The problem with doing that is it makes me look weak. It makes me look inconsistent, and many people will think that I’m too frail to lead. In fact, I’ve had people accuse me already that I need to ‘get these things together’ before I am ever in place of leadership over God’s people. Leaders that ask questions are weak leaders, because typically we think that leaders should be the one giving answers.
So I’m not sure where that leaves me. Does that make me incapable of leadership? Should I refrain from leading anywhere until I have these things figured out and I believe them with the core of who I am? What are these things that I need to believe perfectly before I get into leadership? I don’t know if I’ll ever believe some things the way some people believe them. Even if I do believe some things, I still want to go into conversations with people with the acknowledgement that they could be right and I could be wrong, without that I don’t think there is any point in conversing.
To throw it up and say that I don’t know, I can’t decide or it doesn’t make sense is only going to work for me if I give it to God himself. I’m relinquishing any idea that I’m some spiritual guru that has got Jesus or God figured out in any kind of way. The further I get in studying God and the Bible and Jesus the more questions I have and the more confused I feel, and the further I feel from what I’ve always learned.