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Searching for Security and Left Insecure

I have noticed something about myself that caught me off guard today.

I came under the impression once that there is a person I know that thought I was insecure. At first I thought this was kind of funny. I have never been called insecure before, at least not to my face. It still wasn’t to my face of course, but you know how the gossip ring works, so eventually I found out about it. So I laughed it off and didn’t think about it again for almost two years. For some reason though lately, whenever I am around this person I find myself constantly trying to prove how ‘secure’ I am. I will make sure I seem confident in the things I do and say, and I’ll act humble when I’m supposed to act humble. It’s quite an act I’m putting on, all for this person, all because this person thinks something negative about me.

Only to realize, that my very act of trying to act secure is only hiding my insecurity. I must be pretty insecure if I feel like I need to prove myself to anyone who thinks I’m insecure. Maybe I’ve grown more insecure over the past few years. So now I’m trying to intentionally stop myself from trying to act secure around this person and just be normal. What a stupid cycle I’ve caught myself in.

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