Represent [a fear of marriage]

One of my biggest fears of getting married, even dating, is the idea that there is another person who is supposed to represent me. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s an honest fear. It scares me to think that there is another person out there (a female at that, haha) that will one day represent me. When she screws up it means that I screwed up. When she says something stupid I look just as dumb. When she sins; I sin. I don’t want to be embarrassed or humiliated by someone else’s mistakes; heck I don’t want to be embarrassed or humiliated for my own. Of course, she would be validated having the exact same fear, especially with me. It’s a big commitment. Lately when I think about my future wife, I imagine being at a church picnic with all the families around and I try to imagine me introducing this girl to them. All of this for the mere reason that I want people to look at my wife like they look at me, if they like me I want them to like my wife equally.

This all sounds horribly redundant, even prideful and almost distasteful, but once again, it’s an honest fear of mine. I am going to have a hard time trusting someone so much that I am willing to give them my name and allow them to be another representative of me on this earth. I hardly trust myself to accurately portray myself. Not because I am so great and she can’t meet up to my standards, but because I am me and she is her, and I’ve been me for twenty years and it’s hard to share that with someone so intimately. Of course, once again, she probably has the same fears, and hers are definitely validated if she’s going to marry a guy like me.

This whole marriage idea is constantly referred to in scripture. We as Christians are considered the bride of Christ. We represent Christ on earth now. We took his name. We receive the same benefits of Christ. I think Christ must feel the same way that I feel sometimes. “How in the world are these fumbling, messed-up, sinful, embarrassing people going to accurately represent who I am?” Trust me; we won’t. We are going to screw-up. We are going to embarrass Christ. We are going to make Him look a hundred times worse. Maybe a thousand time. He won’t even be recognizable when we are done trying to imitate him. Some of us won’t even go that far as to try to imitate him; we’ll just steal his name and live for ourselves anyway.

This just is one more lesson of how much God loves us. Christ loves us despite the inability of ours to accurately represent Him. From the beginning we were created in his image, and from Genesis 3 we have been a poor reflection. I’m so glad God isn’t like me in the way that he fears being misrepresented. I’d never marry the church.

I understand I’m never going to find this perfect girl who will only bring perfection, joy and gladness into my life, though it will be there and lots of it. I also understand I’m probably one of the last guys that will do that for any girl, thought I’ll try my absolute best. However, I also realize that the relationship that I have with God; a constant screw-up/forgive relationship, the same kind I long to have with my wife. I recognize we will both mess-up and probably not represent each other that well. What I really desire though is that together we both continue to strive to represent Christ together and only then will we represent each other the best.

It’s a good thing that God doesn’t have my fears, or he’d be hiding his face from us everyday. May we all seek to have love like our creator so that we only long to represent him fully and not so concerned (like me) to be represented ourselves by someone else.