The Uncertainty of Being Honest

I’m leaving in a few hours with FRWY to go on a retreat. It should be a lot of fun! Thought I’d write something before I go. I’m still working on my Sex and Violence paper, and I’m having some trouble.

I realized after doing some more reading how hard it is to be honest with myself when writing a paper, especially on such a senstivie issue. I will get a point in my head, and then I will be excited because I think its a good point. So I’ll be reading more and everything seems to be falling in place, and all I want to do is write it down, hand in my essay and whoala. Then I come across something else, that completely disprives my point in more than one way, and it throws off my entire line of thinking.

For instance, well maybe Jesus changed the way of life, from violent to non-violent. Maybe Jesus redeemed the way of humanity from dealing with things through violence. It all sounds good in so many ways. I write down quotes, and it works. Then I come across two problems. One, that doesn’t help me whatsoever when trying to justify or even understand God’s commands of genocide and other violence in the Old Testament. It also doesn’t justify or help me understand the prophecies of brutal violence in the future at the end of the age.

Being honest when writing a paper is difficult because I want to come to the right conclusion, when there seems to be nothing. It means changing my thought process constantly and being more confused than ever before. It means accepting that sometimes things that are the exact opposite make sense at the same time. It means living with the tension in the texts, which is not comfortable at all.

It’s extremly frustrating. It’s a bit humbling because I’m always saying ‘oh that’s a good point, you’re right’ even though it flies in the face of everything that I’ve understood to that point. I’m going to finish this whole paper and I doubt I’ll ever be satisfied with my conclusion. That’s ok though. I guess being honest with the information presented before me leaves me with uncertainties sometimes.

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