Loving Your Enemy Means You Have To Hang Out With Them

Of all the commandments of Jesus, the one that I see as most revolutionary is the one to love your enemies.  Not only is the idea of loving enemies a hard one, it’s completely foreign to how any of us are raised, how we interact with each other and especially how we want to live.  It seems like Jesus looked right into the hearts of humanity, found what was eating away at us the most and then brought it into the light.  I can see the conversation now.  Jesus says love your enemies and all his disciples start trying to figure out what that means.  ”You don’t actually mean have them to our houses to dinner right?  You mean just don’t think ill towards them, and don’t say mean things about them right?” Jesus responds, “Ya that’s what I mean by love, ignore them and think pretty thoughts (note the sarcasm).  Of course that’s what I mean.  Think about how you treat your mother, now go out, find your enemies and treat them like that (only if you like your mother).”

Most of us don’t like people that give us a dirty look let alone loving those that seem to be working strongly against us.  Yet the command stays the same.  Love your enemy.  I get it, I really do.  This isn’t easy.  No one wants to do this.  Most of us by now have been able to escape this way of living by justifying what love is and by justifying what an enemy is.  We hear it everywhere.  I just don’t like that person.  That person is annoying.  Well, I don’t have to be friends with everyone.  That person wants me to fail.  We have nothing in common.  I have to protect my children from their children.  We’re just going in different directions.  They are rude.  They are always against everything.  They are crazy!

These are generally excuses we make when explaining why we don’t like someone or don’t want to hang out with them.  Unfortunately, all the things that are mentioned are pre-requisites to love the person according to Jesus.  I know for sure that love doesn’t mean shallow “hello, how are you conversation” in the mall.  Then we pat ourselves on the back for going out of our way to be nice.  I know for sure that love means that yes, you do have to be friends, and you do have to spend time with them.  The whole idea of protecting our social life by not being around those that are draining and annoying is probably the hardest thing to fight against.  For some reason we feel entitled to pick our friends, pick every circumstance we are in and pick the style of people we spend all our time with.  Our picks of course are generally centered around people we like, people that get us and people that think the same way as us: the exact definition of someone who is not our enemy.

I don’t really have any suggestions to fix this.  It is broken though.  Maybe disciplining ourselves to spend time with our “enemy” once a week.  You know, take them out for a coffee, invite them over for dinner.  Oops, I didn’t mean to mention that.  It sort of made me feel uncomfortable thinking about all those situations where I am inviting the people over I can’t stand the most and we and my wife sitting there trying to be loving.  Seems awfully forced and awkward.   I can see the excuses coming up already.  I really believe this stuff though, I just don’t want to.  To really change the world and spread this gospel the way Jesus did, that means spending time with people that we don’t want to spend time with.  The goal obviously is that we start to see ourselves in the other and we connect and begin to love others because they are human, and we are human.  Jesus doesn’t want us to love our enemy to torture us, he wants us to love our enemy because they are us.

This obviously isn’t a rule or a command that we must do.  That isn’t the point.  Loving your enemy is a prerequisite to experiencing the gospel.  It gives you an opportunity to die to yourself.  See yourself in your enemy.  See what God was up to.  Love someone who isn’t like you.  If we want to be Christians, if we really want to follow Christ then we need to make decisions to intentionally do these things as a community of people living out kingdom values.  If the world is going to change, it won’t be because a bunch of Christians annoyed all the annoying and crazy people.  We can’t just think good thoughts about them.  We need to be proactive and reach out and love our enemy.  If we are going to work alongside of God and his redemption of all things, going out of our way to love people that we are inclined to hate is the first step.

The Moral Use of “Biblical Authority”

It keeps us from turning commands found there into isolated rules of principles that are assumed to have special status because they are in the Bible.  Rather is proposes that Christians (and we hope others) take them to heart (and mind) because they have been found to be crucial to a people formed by the story of God.  Such commands stand as reminders of the kind of people we must be if we are to be capable of remembering for ourselves and the world the story of God’s dealing with us.

To take the prohibition of adultery, it does not claim to be intelligible in itself, but draws its force from the meaning and significance of marriage in the Jewish and Christian communities.  Marriage in those communities derives from profound hope in and commitment to the future, witnessed by the willingness and duty to bring new life into the world.  Moreover for those traditions family and marriage have special significance as they are also an expression of the relation these people have with their God.  the prohibition against adultry does not therefore derive from a set of premises concerned directly with the legitimacy of sexual expression, though without doubt it has often been so interpreted, but from the profoundest commitment of the community concerning the form of sexual life necessary to sustain their understanding of marriage and family.

Nor does the prohibition against resisting evil derive from an assumption about violence as inherently evil, but rather from the community’s understanding of how God rules his creation.  For how can a people who believe God is Lord of their existence show forth that conviction if they act as if the meaning of their existence, and perhaps even history itself, must be insured by the use of force?  The nonviolence of the church derives from the character of the story of God that makes us what we are–namely a community capable of witnessing to others the kind of life made possible when trust rather than fear rules our relation with one another.

Stanley Hauerwas – A Community of Character, Pg 70

Blessed Are the Peacemakers – A Sermon on Matthew 5:9

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Many Christians demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. … I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere. “Blessed are the merciful” in a courtroom? “Blessed are the peacemakers” in the Pentagon?
Kurt Vonnegut, “Cold Turkey,” In These Times

We are almost done the beatitudes this summer.  It has been a good summer of being challenged to see what is really going on in this famous sermon by Jesus.  Let’s do a little summary of where we’ve been so far.  The first four beatitudes are poor in spirit, mourn, meek and those that hunger and thirst for righteousness.  Jesus works at two angles in this sermon.  In the first four he is describing a condition that we are in.  Mourning, meek, hungry, poor…..these are all describing conditions where God meets us.  The first four beatitudes is when God meets you where you are at.

The second four are merciful, pure in heart, peacemakers and those that are persecuted.  These last four are more about relations.  These last four are about how after God meets you, he then transforms you to interact with others completely differently.  After you’ve recognized and you’ve become the first four, you can no longer relate to others the same way at all.  God completely transforms the way you look at and treat people.

So we are looking at being a peacemaker, and apparently, by being one you get the great title of being called child of God.  Now there are a few terms that we should get out of the way in terms of what a peacemaker is.  For starters, a peacemaker is not the same thing as a peacekeeper.

Q: What is the difference between a peacekeeper and a peacemaker?

What I would see the difference between the two is that you can keep peace with guns.  Walk into a room with two people fighting and pull out a weapon and those two people are probably going to stop fighting.  Walk into a country conflict with your advanced machinery and you will keep the peace for a little while, they will all be awe of your presence.  What ends up happening though is instead of there being conflict between two sides, not there is just conflict on three sides and you become the third side.  Then we end up calling extremely destructive bombs, like Richard Nixon did, “the peacekeeper.”  This isn’t peace.  Oppressive and strong people call their attempts to control; peace, but we know better, you might create a sense of peace for a while, but there is no real peace there.  If you have to take sides, you misunderstand what peace is.

“True peace is not merely the absence of tension, but the presence of justice and brotherhood.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
Peacemaking on the other hand, doesn’t need guns.  Peacemaking isn’t necessarily (though it could be part of it) creating peace amongst two external parties that are battling.  Remember, the last four beatitudes are about how we interact relationally.  Because we realize our pour in spirit, because we mourn, because we are hungry for justice, because we are meek THEN we can act properly in our relation to others.  So being a peacemaker isn’t necessarily about an action that you do, but it is about an attitude that you have towards others.  It certainly isn’t about forcing cooperation and assuming that is peace either.  We are not talking about inner peace, like feeling good about situations or people.  We are talking about the reconciliation of all levels of human engagement, all levels of our relationships.

The Hebrew term for peace is shalom (שלום), which means all of the above things as well as “whole and entire.”  This is the kind of peace that Jesus is talking about.

We live in a world where everything is divided.  Instantly when you meet someone you decide if you are with them or against them.  You either like them or you don’t.  You go to this church or you go to that church.  You are either conservative or a liberal.  You are for Israel in Palestine or you are against.  You are either a Christian or you are not.  You are either for homeschooling or you are not.  You are either for or against specific people.  Jesus lived in this same world.  We’ve talked about this before many times.  But just as a reminder; Jesus lived in a divisive time where all the Jews were awaiting the arrival of a Messiah and king to stand up and destroy the Roman army and occupation.  This is the world that Jesus walked into.  This is why in John when Jesus perceived that his followers were going to come and take him by force, to make him a king, he took off into a mountain himself and alone.  Jesus was not into taking sides.  Even if it was the right side.
Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself
John 6:15
Jesus did not delight in division, in bitterness, strife and petty divide-and-conquer” world.  Instead he delighted in making peace wherever possible.  To truly make peace.  To be a peacemaker and not just a peacekeeper, it takes a very special kind of person.  It would take someone that recognizes their poorness in spirit, and one that mourns along with God of the suffering in the world, one that longs for righteousness and justice and one that have allowed God to make them pure in heart.  The first four beatitudes are prerequisites for the second four.  Peacekeepers are a special breed.
The peacemakers are are the ones who are not so convinced of their own truth that they are unable to see the truth in another.  They do not have to make the other wrong in order to believe that they are right.  The peacemakers are able to entertain the idea that truth might be bigger than their own particular piece of it…..they are those that are open to truth in others, even when it challenges their own truth.
– Kathleen O’Connell Chesto
Can you see all the other beatitudes that sneak its way into what a peacekeeper is like?  Not so convinced of their own truth?  I’m pretty sure that’s what we said in the meek and poor in spirit weeks.  The only way you would desire peace is if you felt unrest or that there wasn’t peace.  Peacemakers have a deep sense of who they are, they know their own place because they don’t need to prove themselves and someone else certainly does not make them agitated or upset just because they hold a different belief.  In fact, to a peacemaker, different beliefs are welcome and encouraged.  They are not trying to make peace by helping everyone believe the same thing, rather they are realizing that there is a chance he is wrong, so he welcomes the other and embraces what he is and what he knows.
Kathleen O’Connell in her chapter about peacemaking tells this story of her son.  Her son was newly married and he was buying a home.  He would call his parents three times a week for a few months asking questions and looking for advice.  Finally though, Kathleen had enough and said “I’m not giving you any more advice.” The son sounded confused and ask why.  She said that because he doesn’t listen.  He said what are you talking about, I listen to you more than I listen to anyone.  “No you don’t, you argue” she says back.  “But that’s how I listen” he said.  Now I know I’ve had this exact conversation with Rachel.  She gets so upset about me interrupting and asking questions and digging and digging until I can know more and more about what she things and how she feels.  So the son goes on to explain.
“When I ask your opinion, you tell me what you think.  Now I have what you think and what I think.  If I argue with what you think, you give me five reasons why you think it.  And if I argue with each of those five reasons, you give me five more reasons for each of them.  Now I have thirty reasons why you think what you do.  And I can use them to make a good decision.”
Here is what she says to explain how this makes her son a peacekeeper.  To be honest at times, this person just seems annoying, but there is a subtle difference.
“This is the argument of the peacemaker.  It is not the contentious arguing of those who are trying to explain or justify themselves and their actions.  The peacemakers do not argue to convince us of their truth, but that we can convince them of ours.  “Persuade me, Broaden my truth, enliven my vision with your own particular piece of reality.”  As my son would point out, it’s how they listen.  It is the listening that is essential, the listening that marks this as more than argument, the listening that leads to wisdom.  And when the need to explain ourselves and our position is greatest, then the listening demands total silence.”
- Kathleen O’Connell Chesto
So the peacemaker is an interesting character.  You can’t pin him down.  Sometimes he’s fighting against you and sometimes he’s fighting for you.  He hasn’t picked sides and defending ideals, he has picked truth and sees dialogue and conversation as a crucial part of discovering it.  It is because of this, that we know that this beatitude isn’t just “blessed are all those that help everyone get along.”  The next beatitude is blessed are those that are persecuted that John is going to dive into next week, so we know that this isn’t just about helping people get along, in fact it seems in many cases the opposite might occur.
We don’t like peacemakers.  Peacemakers seem to be constantly walking into situations and not taking your side.  You desperately just want him on your side, you want him to hate the person along with you, but the peacemaker refuses.  We always want people to take our side in every situation.  The world has no room for peacemakers because they seem like fence sitters, unable to make up their minds.  I would think though, that it is only these people who are just being honest with themselves and reality around them.  There is no perfect group to be part of for anything that summarizes everything you believe that you can say I am full on this side and nothing else.  To even hold such a stance is ignorant at best.

When the gospel takes root in your life, when these first four beatitudes take root in your life you realize that not everyone or everything fits into these right or wrong, good or bad categories.   You start to see that the people that used to be “them” that you kind of like, you sort of see and understand now and you kind of like them.  As this gospel starts to take root in your life, you start to learn to embrace people where they are because you now know that God embraced you where you are.  You start to see less sides and more people.  So now, peacemakers, don’t pick sides.

“To be a peacemaker means not to judge or condemn or speak badly of people, not to rejoice in any form of ill that may strike them. Peacemaking is holding people gently in prayer, wishing them to be well and free. Peacemaking is welcoming people who are weak and in need, maybe just with a smile, giving them support, offering them kindness and tenderness, and opening our hearts to them. It is welcoming those with whom we may have difficulty or whom we may not especially like, those who are ….. different than us. It is to approach people not from a pedestal, a position of power and certitude, in order to solve problems, but from a place of listening, understanding, humility, and love. When we relinquish power, we become more open to the compassion of God.”
-Jean Vanier
Q:  In what you know about the Israel/Palestine conflict, what is happening?  What is a proper Christian stance towards this issue?
Bing a peacemaker is part of being surrendered to God, for God brings peace. We abandon the effort to get our needs met through the destruction of enemies. -
Glen H. Stassen and David P. Gushee
Let me assure you, if we as a church continue to hold a peacemakers stance in conflict like this, we will most certainly eventually end up in the last beatitude of persecution.  When you don’t take a side, you tick more people off than if you did take a side.  Those that are pro-Israel are going to assume that you are Anti-Israel and Pro-Palestine, even though that is not the case at all.  Those that are pro-Palestine will assume you are Pro-Israel and anti-Palestine.  I watched this battle happen in comments on this article this week happen.  There was an obvious peacemaker in the midst and he was saying over and over again that he didn’t want to see anymore death in this conflict at all.  Over and over again the same guy kept attacking him by saying that his arguments lead to wanting a destruction of all Israel.
Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up, but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed with all the tension its exposure creates to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
“There is no peace because there are no peacemakers. There are no makers of peace because the making of peace is at least as costly as the making of war – at least as exigent, at least as disruptive, at least as liable to bring disgrace and prison and death in its wake.”
– Father Daniel Berrigan
Peacemakers don’t create peace wherever they go.  Peacemakers fight for reconciliation and divine peace in every one’s lives; restoring shalom.  This doesn’t always make for happy people, but eventually it will make for true peace.  God isn’t interested in taking sides and letting one side win, God is interested in everyone coming to terms that they are in need of him and he doesn’t hold your sin against you so you shouldn’t hold anyone else’s against them.  Jesus says the opposite actually, he says if you hate them, if you’ve created an “us and them” scenario with someone them, if they are your enemy, then move towards them, pray for them (wish God’s best on someone).  This is the role of a peacemaker.  They see opposing sides, and they wish God’s best on both sides.  They see their enemy with all their flawed personality traits and foolish beliefs and pushes himself to love that person.  God causes the sun to rise on the good and the evil, I don’t know how many times we have to keep saying this, he doesn’t pick sides.

Peace isn’t just about two sides tolerating each other.  Peace is about two sides recognizing themselves in the other side.  Peace is about two sides realizing that they are actually on the same side.  Peace is about recognizing the need for the other side.

The peace intended is not merely that of political and economic stability, as in the Greco-Roman world, but peace in the Old Testament inclusive sense of wholeness, all that constitutes well-being. … The “peacemakers,” therefore, are not simply those who bring peace between two conflicting parties, but those actively at work making peace, bringing about wholeness and well-being among the alienated.
Robert A. Guelich
Someone who encourages this type of reality makes enemies on both sides, but they aren’t the same kind of enemies.  The guy who says actually you know how you made yourself the angel and that person the demon in that situation, and then he says you might be wrong.  Well you get him to be upset because you say he’s not the angel, then you go to the guy that he called the demon and he’s convinced now you are on his side, so that must make him the angel right?  Then you say, no you must be wrong, he isn’t going to be too happy either.  People don’t fight for their sides because they think they are half right, they fight because they are right and the other person is wrong.  The peacemaker sees past that.  The peacemaker sees that this is more than just someone being right and wrong, and this is more than there being a good side and a bad side.  The peacemaker speaks out against what is wrong on both sides, and uplifts what is right on both sides.  The article on Gaza I was talking about earlier was written by Chris Hedges, and this is one of the quotes from it in speaking to Israel.  Now note, he is obviously against specific actions of Israel and what they are doing to the Palestinian people, but there is a sense that this isn’t about Israel needs to back off so Gaza can win, rather there is something else going on here.
You may have the bulldozers, planes and helicopters that smash houses to rubble, the commandos who descend from ropes on ships and kill unarmed civilians on the high seas as well as in Gaza, the vast power of the state behind you. We have only our hands and our hearts and our voices. But note this. Note this well. It is you who are afraid of us. We are not afraid of you. We will keep working and praying, keep protesting and denouncing, keep pushing up against your navy and your army, with nothing but our bodies, until we prove that the force of morality and justice is greater than hate and violence. And then, when there is freedom in Gaza, we will forgive … you. We will ask you to break bread with us. We will bless your children even if you did not find it in your heart to bless the children of those you occupied. And maybe it is this forgiveness, maybe it is the final, insurmountable power of love, which unsettles you the most.
- Chris Hedges
This is the Christian response.  “We will forgive you.” We love you.  Instead of saying I told you so.  Instead of fighting with weapons and destroying humanity.  We fight for truth and love and then we forgive everyone who was involved.  This is a major Christian theme.  All through the scriptures God has refused to pick sides.  He used people from all nations.  When he picked Israel he picked them to bless the other nations, not to pick their sides.  Let’s look at Joshua 5.
Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?”
“Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.” Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, “What message does my Lord have for his servant?”
This is the message of God’s heart.  God is on no one’s side, and neither should we be.  We are on the side of truth and peace and love wherever we find it.  Many times this will be on the side of our so called enemies.
So peacekeepers are called children of God.  What is this all about?  It really isn’t that complicated.  The God we serve is the God of peace.  Through his son, he has brought peace.  It is our job to repeat what he has done.  So that is what a peacemaker is.  Typically royalty and rulers would be called the sons of God.  These are ones that would go to war and fight for the rights of their people.  They would take a side and through violence try to come out on top.  Jesus, like we mentioned before, says whoa there, I’m not into that kind of thing, I’m a peace maker.  I don’t want to be your king and take your side. I’m here for all people.  Prince of Peace.  So if you really want to be true sons of God, not the kinds that win through violence, then you need to be a peacemaker.
Now peacemaking is a divine work. For peace means reconciliation, and God is the author of peace and of reconciliation. … It is hardly surprising, therefore, that the particular blessing which attaches to peacemakers is that “they shall be called sons of God.” For they are seeking to do what their Father has done, loving people with his love.
John R. W. Stott
Just like in the story that Kristine told us before hand, this whole idea of making peace comes from actively seeking to do it.  Not just looking for conflict and then trying to fix it, but always being aware and always being the hands and feet of Christ to actively bring peace and perspective to all situations for all people.  Picking sides is for people who don’t understand their own plight.  Picking sides is for those who refuse to see themselves in need of God.  Peacemakers are those that make peace through their own humility and need for the other.

If You Thought It Was Wrong You Wouldn’t Do It

I’m reading this book right now called Mistakes were Made but not by Me and it is changing the way I interact with people and view them from a distance.  We can be quick to judge someone who does something ridiculous, or believes something ridiculous.  For example, if someone believed that aliens abducted him then we all would laugh and write them off as being crazy.  Rightfully so, but what we never ask ourselves is how/why they have that belief.  We make our entire judgment based on what their belief is.  Overtime we start to see that most of us are simply just not logical.  We create memories, we justify actions and we project what we want to be true onto almost every situation that we are part of.  The entire book is about the idea of why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions and hurtful acts.

Here is what I’m coming to grips with from the help of this book; we justify absolutely everything.  I think that we are inherently good and that we long to do the good and right thing.  Just like our first humans, Adam and Eve, the sin that we commit isn’t just simply doing something that is wrong or forbidden.  It is taking a bad thing and twisting it up with all sorts of good and noble motives and then spitting it back out as a good thing.  That’s when it gets complicated.  Adam and Eve were tempted with what seemed like (and very well could be) good and righteous things.  Knowing good and evil, not dying and being like God aren’t exactly the worst things to desire.  So all the foolish decisions we make on a day to day basis I’d would have to wager that we just honestly do not think they are foolish.  For the person who does a foolish thing, knowing that they are foolish, then I think you are the exception, and this little article isn’t about you.

Who, especially Christians, would say listen, I know this is wrong in what I’m about to partake in, or purchase or buy, but I’m going to do it anyway.  No excuses, I am just straight up going to do this wrong action.  I have never in my life heard anyone say that.  The closest I’ve seen is someone say something along the lines of that they know this might not be the best way and then offer a slew of reasons as to why they are going to do it.  Eventually all those reasons eventually lead the person to believe that it is the right thing to do.

So for example.  Let’s say you were debating to sell your entire CD collection and give the money to a family you know who is struggling for groceries.  When the idea first pops into your head, you might think, wow, that is a great idea, that is the noble and right thing to do.  Then what happens though is that over time, you just really don’t want to sell all your CDs.  So instead of just stopping with the philosophical games there and admitting that the right thing to do would be to sell your CDs and you’re just not going to do it you start to justify and make up reasons why it is actually the wrong thing to do to sell your CDs.  You say things like hand-outs don’t actually help anyone and you don’t want to prolong their misery.  Or that you deserve those CDs, or that those CDs actually mean something important to you and that you’ll just buy them a few groceries later on down the road.  By the end of the situation you have gone from it being the right thing to do, to being the wrong thing to do, and the only real thing that has changed is your desire.  You have completely changed your moral compass based simply on your desire.

We all do this.  I honestly believe that if we actually thought something was wrong, then we just wouldn’t do it.  Or if we actually thought something was right, then we would do it.  Very few of us are meek enough to say “I hold the belief that swearing is a poor choice and is not best practice, but I swear anyway.”  No excuses, just admitting that our life does not line up to our beliefs.  I would much rather have someone admit that they are a hypocrite and that their actions do not line up to their beliefs than have someone  constantly changing their beliefs to accommodate their actions.  Here is what I think best practice is to be a truly humble and meek Christian.  Look into your life and realize your flaws, or have your best friend do it for you.  Things will come up like we waste way too much, we drink too much, we destroy the environment without giving it a second thought, we shop way too much, we don’t make anytime for those that are less fortunate, we judge everyone we meet for the first time….and instead of making any excuses at all, not even one.  Just admit it.  Say yup, I am those things.

I think with this honest approach to our lives we will start to see a lot more peace.  Sounds odd to make that connection but I see how it can work.  When people can admit they are wrong, and they aren’t in the right at times, without needing to justify their way out of their bad decisions, it makes it a lot easier to just be in a relationship.  If I’m constantly making excuses for my bad eating habits (i’m too busy, i don’t like healthy food etc) then not only do I just keep eating poorly but I now have changed my philosophy about eating to fit how I do those things.  Instead, what if I just said “I have bad eating habits.”

It’s odd even ending a paragraph like that, because we want resolve, we want reasons for the bad things we do.  Admitting who we really are, being humble and having an honest approach about our own misgivings will go a long way for how we live and also for our theology.  No longer will our theology be shaped by how we live and the poor decisions we make but instead our actions begin to be shaped by our theology.

Why Children’s Ministry Hasn’t Been Working

This might come as a redundant post to where many people have already landed.  I think though I’ve finally placed my finger on why children’s ministry at my church and the other churches I’ve worked with have never felt complete.  They have always felt unthoughtful, typical and forced.  It’s the same how I see a lot of parenting.  I’ll be careful with this, because of course I am not a parent.  However, you can’t help but notice the harmful ways we have raised our kids over the last fifty years.  Everything from what they eat, watch, participate in, how we talk to them and how we don’t spend time with them.  It’s all pretty messed up.  So I guess it’s fair to say I’ve felt weary about raising children in general, not just in our church communities.  However, I’ll focus on children and church for this post.

For the last four years at the story, we have been looking for the right way to raise our kids in the church.  Of course, we have come up against a lot of problems.  Some of the problems being:

1. Children get 45 minutes a week in a separate room to learn child-appropriate lessons, build relationships with other children and experience the Sunday gathering at their level.  Only 45 minutes with their own programming and a few hours if you include the singing and the potluck.

2. Every parent parents differently at home.  Every teacher teaches differently at their  schools.  Because we only get 45 minutes, there is no good way  to build a discipline or rhythm into the day or the children for how things are done or what is expected.  So we are forced to plan things by the lowest common denominator to work with the most amount of kids.  This usually means that plenty of the unique kids with special needs, or that don’t like classrooms or that are disciplined differently don’t get the right kind of love or attention.

3. The curriculum in most books and in most packages that we have seen or purchased is complete crap.  It teaches bad theology and cleans up the stories and almost always ceases to place the stories in the proper context of the entire narrative of the scriptures.  The only option we could come up with was to write our own, which of course we have no time to do that, so I just stay constantly frustrated with what we are teaching.  It’s like playing a preacher’s video over and over again because we don’t have time to prepare our own sermon, and the preacher sucks.  We would never do it for our adults, but we do it for our kids all the time.

For the longest time, we’ve really put not much a lot of consideration into the kids and what was happening.  We would try and find suitable curriculum and rotate different parents through the teaching schedule and just let it happen.  We did make some changes, and I think these changes were very positive for our community.

1. We put in a toddler area into the middle of the seating for Sunday morning.  Parents could stay in the service with their children played or coloured.  It was a great way to integrate everyone and meet them where they were at.  Sure the kids got loud, but we’ve never not had that happen, so it was a good compromise.

2. During the singing, we gave all the kids instruments of some sort, usually percusison.  Over the past year we’ve watched as kids who were normally disruptive, running around and moping because of the singing, move to the front, grab and instrument and sing along.  The kids are learning our songs and worship is now more centered around them.  It’s amazing how much kids learn beautiful songs when you just keep singing them over and over again.  When kids are involved in singing, it’s easy for a community to follow suit.

However, once the kids move off into the other room and their own curriculum starts happening, our creative direction sort of ends.  We don’t really know what to do.  And I think I’ve figured out what our problem is.

I feel like our problem is that we have focused all of our attention on what the kids are learning and what curriculum to use or create.  Instead, what we should be focusing on is how we treat our kids, how we are teaching them, how we are sharing the stories of our faith with them and working together as a community to co-operate in raising our kids as a community.  I’m really not interested in having the pressure of parents for 45 minutes a week to infuse in them as many Christians character traits as possible.  What I am interested in is working alongside of the community and the children to build relationships with them, grow with them in a healthy way and all learn through our growth.  We’ve been trying now to just teach them what we know, teach them what is right and use the right curriculum so that they are engaged and interested throughout the entire 45 minutes and come out “learning something.”  Instead, we should be spending our time focusing on families (pun intended, but not really) and how they interact with each other and interact with the community at large.

This means we need to be spending time helping the teachers and the parents be better teachers and parents.  This means that we have to start creating a culture that we have reached a consensus on in how we treat people, treat families and treat children.  This means that we have to work together, especially parents, to figure out boundaries, rituals and agree on the stories that are important to pass down.  This isn’t about curriculum anymore.  It’s about an entire lifestyle that we are creating for our children so that they are meaningfully integrated into our community, not just another program that we organize so they are entertained.  Curriculum will always have very little impact on our children.  The environment that we raise them in, the relationships that they build and the experiences that they have with each other and with the community has a whole will be what defines their relationship to the church as they grow up.

We’ve been reading Godly Play recently, and I just finished reading Honey, I Wrecked the Kids and have been dabbling in some Montessori philosophy of education.  This I feel is just the first layer of unpacking everything we need to learn as a community and how to grow with kids.  But for the first time, I feel like we are on the right track.  It feels good.

Some Great Links for All Those That Enjoyed and Hated Lost

I love Lost. As most of you know I was a bit disappointed that it was all over and especially the way the writers ended everything, but nevertheless, it was still great writing and television. Since the show ended there are a few pieces I wanted to point to that are certainly worth the read.

First, and probably my favourite, was a 13,000 word essay on Lost by Jennifer Galicinski. It is entitled LOST: A Critique of the Modernist Quest and Prophet of a Better Way (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). It is absolutely excellent and for anyone that found themselves lost in the weaving storylines might find this helpful. It’s also a great critique on philosophy tying it in with the imagery and storytelling of Lost. Awesome. Chris Seay should be writing stuff like this instead (he wrote a book on the gospel according to Lost before it was even finished. WHAT?

I put together a quick response to her essay here.

I wrote this when Lost first finished. 5 Reasons Why LOST Disappointed. Which after reading Jennifer’s essay above, it was probably a bit premature considering I didn’t put a lot of work into it.

This was a hilarious video that summarized a lot of how you feel after watching Lost.

An Open Letter To Anyone Who Thought The End Of Lost Was Awesome.

It would be a could compilation of links if I didn’t link to Lost and Gone Forever, who I followed and read after every single episode of the last three seasons. This site helped me understand and analyze the show much better.